Learn to Say No to Your Ex

by Darlene Zagata

Do you have an ex from a previous relationship who only contacts you when he or she needs a favor? Do you also find yourself running to the rescue of your ex more often than not? If you answered yes to either of the above questions then it’s time you learn to stop. Stand up for yourself and stop being a doormat.

Oftentimes people from previous relationships tend to overstep their boundaries. They assume that just because there was once a romantic bond between the two of you that they can continue to call upon you long after the relationship is over. There’s nothing wrong with remaining friends after the demise of a romantic relationship; in fact, it is wonderful if you can remain friends. There’s also nothing wrong with doing a friend a favor. But being taken advantage of by an ex-spouse or lover is another matter entirely.

When children have been produced through such a previous union it may be even more difficult to refuse requests made by an ex. What needs to be remembered is that if you have children through a previous relationship, your obligation is to the children not the ex-spouse. Once we dissolve a relationship and become involved in another relationship, it is not up to you to be at the disposal of the ex-partner every time a pipe bursts. You are not the plumber, the automotive mechanic, the counselor or any other type of problem solver.

Staying in touch, remaining friends and doing an occasional favor is much different than allowing yourself to be used as a convenience for another. Know when to draw the line. When you and your ex-partner chose to go separate ways you also chose to relinquish any demands on that partner other than those that support the needs of any children the two of you may have brought into the world. If you tend to jump every time your ex snaps his or her fingers, you may want to examine your own feelings.

Ask yourself why you react the way you do. Are you still in love with this person? Do you feel obligated to your ex because of your children? Are there any other reasons why you should still feel obligated to this individual? If you are currently involved in a new relationship, being overly attentive to a former partner may cause problems between you and your new significant other. Keep the friendship in the present but leave the relationship to the past.