Dear Charles,
Sometimes I want the girl to make the first move. Am I a wuss?
Charlie
Dear Wuss,
Yep.
Normally, I would leave it at that. But under the circumstances (I couldn’t help but to notice that you have one of the most superb names ever to be granted upon a human, though I must admit that I recoil at the form you have chosen to favor), I will pontificate. Yes, I leap like an Olympian triple-jumper at any opportunity to use the word pontificate.
You see, Charlie, it’s like this: Women control the world. Women control me and women control you. BUT THEY DON’T WANT TO GET BLAMED FOR ANYTHING WHEN THINGS GO BADLY. So, here’s what they do: They make us, the men, think that we control the world. This way, everything gets done the way the women like and when things don’t go well, they just blame it on the stupid men who are supposedly in charge of everything. It’s quite a racket they have going.
So, as this relates to your dilemma – guys have to make the first move as then the guy is personally and fully responsible and accountable for anything and everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in the world from that moment forward.
The battery on her 1984 Honda Civic dies two months into your relationship – it’s your fault, you made the first move.
Her 19-year old poodle dies 4 months in – it’s your fault, you made the first move.
Five months in you are upset to learn that she is still in love with and sleeping with her ex-boyfriend – Guess what? Yep. You’re catching on, Charlie. It’s your fault – you made the first move.
But, you ask, being the astute pupil of love that you are and the 99th percentile on the reading comprehension section of your LSAT exam comprehensive reader that you are, how is the woman in control if the man makes the first move?
Superb, Charlie. I commend you on your commitment to fully grasp the depth and value of my wisdom, which I bequeath freely, like a philanthropist roaming the hills and valleys of UnfortunateLand, bestowing jewels, rubies, and cheesecake to all those whose shoulders are saddled with undo burden and strife.
Let me offer a parallel. It’s Sunday morning, you wake up and want a breakfast of bacon and eggs. You are salivating at the thought, in fact. You proceed to the kitchen, place two frying pans on the burners, and turn the burners on. Well guess what? Unless somebody puts some eggs in one pan and bacon in the other, somebody else is not going to find himself enjoying a much-anticipated Sunday morning fare of bacon and eggs. And that somebody is you, Charlie.
You might say, “Well, Charles, I’ll just go to the fridge and get some bacon and eggs, and then I’ll put them in the pan.” No, Charlie, you can’t do that. Only the woman can put the bacon and eggs in the pan. Catch my drift hipster? You can go ahead and make that first move, but the woman will let you know whether or not she agrees with that first move. And whether she agrees or not, it’s all on you, from that moment forward, because you made the first move.
Do you see how it works, Charlie? Honestly, I don’t think that you are going to make it with the women. I would recommend some flying lessons and a Labrador retriever.
Godspeed,
Charles.
To learn more about me, Charles, visit my blog here.
To have your life enlightened by my relationship expertise, email your questions to me at Ask Charles.
