Years ago, there was a therapist I worked with named Susan. Susan told me she went to a seminar that a friend of ours named Steve was giving. Since she thought she may want to do similar seminars in the future about marriage, she wanted to see how Steve made his presentation. So, Susan took her husband Dave and during the seminar, Steve made this statement: "What you call your spouse, they will become". Now, Susan had been married for 20 years, and when she heard this statement she laughed to herself as she leaned over to Dave and said, "Ha, skinny!" Dave leaned toward her, laughing, and said, "Haha, sexy!" After the seminar was over, she said to me, "Bob, I made it a point to try that, just to see what would happen. For 10 years, Dave weighed 215 pounds, and hadn't been able to get rid of more than 5 pounds at a time, and then he got discouraged and gave up." So, Susan began to call Dave "skinny" and "slim" as the opportunities presented themselves. After 2 months, she asked him how his weight was coming, and he reported that he had lost over 18 pounds. She was amazed.

At the end of the story, I paused and asked her, "Susan, does Dave call you sexy?" She gave me a pained smile and said, "No." Immediately I thought to myself, "that's too bad because Dave probably has no idea what he's missed out on." It wasn't that Susan needed a makeover or that there was anything wrong with her at all. Dave had missed out on an opportunity to influence his lovely wife. Notice what happened with Susan? She had to make it a priority to take the step. She didn't wait until she felt like it, or until she saw that Dave was doing it correctly. Instead, she was proactive. She made a decision, and after that decision was made, she proactively and consistently pursued it until she got the results she wanted. What Susan stumbled onto is what I know about men-they want to be influenced by a woman! Some men are not good at receiving this, or at giving up power, but what most long to be married to a woman who shapes and molds them. This type of influence does not feel threatening to a man. Susan was the same case. She would have loved for Dave to influence her, to shape her, to reinforce what he thought about her. Here was a seminar that gave Dave the perfect opportunity, yet he missed the opportunity.

Copyright by Bob Grant, L.P.C. 2004 All rights reserved. No part of this article may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission.

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